I feel numb.

I’ve generally thought of myself as an emotional person. I’ve had strong opinions about plenty of things and indifference towards none. The idea of being reserved and letting something go has been alien to me. Those who know me well know that I am quite vocal, sometimes with disastrous consequences. All this, however, is not a virtue. I tend to overdo it and make irreparable damage.

Overtime, I had learnt to exercise restraint and let things go. I chose my battles and made my point only when I felt it to be essential. But lately, this has been going south. My selective picking of what I must support or oppose has been tiring. Not because of my lack of energy, but because I find no utility in it.

When Article 370 was rendered ineffective in an effort to ‘merge’ Kashmir with India, when the Supreme Court ordered the construction of Ram Mandir, when the Parliament passed their CAA, when the Government proposed the NPR and NRC, and when the Tablighi Jama’at was made the scapegoat, the battle lines drawn were exactly the same. Those of my friends who are on the right side of these issues do not have to be engaged because our outrage and views are in sync. And those who are on the ‘right’ side cannot be engaged because of their obvious prejudices.

Thus, the very point of being angry at something gets defeated because there is no release. And all this pent up anger simply leads to such repression that it numbs all the emotions.

At the risk of sounding pessimistic, it is obvious that I have no power to bring in a change in the hearts of those who thump their chests with nationalism. This is not because they do not understand reason, but despite it. Engaging with them drives you in circles and exasperates you. The tale ends where it had begun. There will not be any change of hearts, but the minds surely become toxic. The ego of one’s ideology is too strong to be countered by reason.

There is, however, a larger point here. The idea of India has been pretty obscure. It is the indefinable feature which ought to have strengthened the nation by according both respect to the diverse traditions and dignity to an individual. But, was this idea a lie? In an effort to inculcate tolerance, we seem to have, over the decades, tolerated the intolerance. Eventually, the intolerance became powerful enough that it has put this idea of India in jeopardy. Or did this intolerance only remove the façade over the rosy idea of India which never really existed?

We’ve been told that India is about the pursuit of substantive equality, liberty, and fraternity. But the graph on these has only been diving downwards. Perhaps, the idea of India never was the truth. If it was, what does it take to live it in practice rather than merely preaching it in the ideals? Even if this idea is true, it seems to be only slipping away from our sight. We all have already chosen our positions on either side of the line, only to gradually strengthen it. This could be just a phase in this country’s history, or the death of our dreams.

In this prime-time-shouting-matches age, we all will continue to fight. We will assert our positions using every debating technique in the arsenal. We will grow our differences amongst us. And we all will, unfortunately, continue to defeat India.