It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Over six years, in fact. I’ve often thought of writing and waking this dormant blog up. But, I had neither the courage nor the inclination. If anything, I only tried escaping the reality. The struggle and pursuit of my aspirations left me so weak that I wouldn’t dare put this journey in writing. The biggest of all fears was that I may, sometime in future, look back and read things with a disappointment of what it could have been and what it is not.

I am here now. Severely heart-broken and relying on a façade of happiness to hide all the pain. Reality is too much to take. Up until a few months, I could rely on random meaningless validations from others and maladaptive day-dreaming of my own. But that has proven to be unsustainable and the house of cards collapsed, reflecting what I always feared to witness.

The only hope I have is to rely on Him. Him, I trust, of course. And through Him, I trust the destiny. The burdens seem small and the shoulders relax when you surrender. I’ve tried being charged and pushing myself with the pretense of having good control over what I do. But, I give that up. Not only because I failed. But also because I am exhausted. If these years have given me any wisdom, it is to not hold yourself uptight and lead the journey, but to let go and chain yourself to time as it takes you on its path.

Courage does not lie in being strong and powerful. It lies in being submissive when you have a choice not to. Submissive, of course, to a larger plan. To destiny. To Him.