The on-going Covid phase has been weird. Things have stopped, but not entirely. Freedoms have been limited, but not completely. There is no progress in life and love, but there is. Wait, no, not in love.

A simple idea of going out to eat or meet someone seems so alien. Imagining it feels so liberating, and yet, impossible. The idea of larger meet-ups is even more elusive, so much so that a very good friend is getting married on the 20th of November, and most of my friends have backed out of it. I myself don’t have to the courage to bring it up before my parents, lest they shoot a reprimand and shut the plan of me attending it.

Beyond all this, the most prickling feature is its pressure to take an initiative. The pre-Covid life seemed to be within one’s grasp, although it hardly was. Everyone seemed to have worked with the illusion that they controlled their life. Rather, it was the circumstances in life and societal expectations that kept us pushing to do what we did. We saw that others carried on with their life and we did the same. It was a motion that we reinforced over each other.

Now that the life as we know it has come to a halt, everyone seems to be on their own. For some, it was a good break to catch up on a lot of things they’d always wanted to do. But for many, it was an unwanted pause which froze life. And the lack of push from all others also gave validation to this pause. This lack of guilt in being lazy and procrastinating with such aplomb has engulfed me.

On the other hand, I’m glad that a few things have been happening. The recently held US Open, the about to be held US Presidential Elections, and the resumption of FIDE Candidates tournament is some recreation I desperately need. The NLAT / CLAT debacle also supplied a good dose of entertainment, although those taking these exams have been put through unnecessary troubles. It felt as if NLSIU created its own Covid and the Supreme Court demonetised it.

Lately, I’ve been trying another adventure. I signed up on a dating App. Not Tinder or Bumble, but an App which is touted to be a platform for those seeking long-term relationships. I did this for two reasons. One, there is a noticeable gap I’d like bridge in my mental health. I don’t aspire physical intimacy more than I ever did. The idea of it is, of course, exciting. But, it is not substantially higher than it ever was to make it a key motivation for me to opt a dating App. But the push was to have a companion, someone who’d bring happiness and joy, and ease the mental heat. The second reason, which is much more common in my age group, is the pressure that comes from both my immediate and extended family. As a single child, the hopes are high and real. As my parents have already begun scouting for the perfect match, it scares me to fathom that I’d have to spend my life with someone I wouldn’t adequately know before-hand.

But the experience has been tough. The App that I am on is highly skewed towards women. If I were to hazard a guess, I am sure there are around twenty men for one woman. This implies that the men have to work so many times more to not just attract attention, but also to keep it alive. For women, if it’s not interesting enough, they have the option of moving on and take a shot with another man. Ironically, this is the opposite of the gruesome patriarchal matchmaking done by our society with Sima Taparia type connectors.

I am, however, not complaining about this discrimination. This gender skew only suggests that the social structure has given the men the confidence of finding someone on their own, but the women often submit to the choice of their parents. The resultant disparity on the App is due to the lack of agency to women in making their matrimonial decisions. To make it worse, there’s a good reason to suspect that many men on the App are not as serious as they pretend to be, leading women to be cautious of putting up their details and pictures on an open forum.

Personally, however, this skew presses me to take a lot of initiative to keep the conversations interesting. Most women I matched have turned it into an interrogation where I ask the questions and they answer. Some have even made me wonder why they’d take the trouble of signing up on this App and answer questions posed by random strangers while they don’t reciprocate with the curiosity I have. Why is it that when a conversation reaches an impasse, the onus is on me to re-start it? As I’ve not been able to make a swift decision on whether there is any potential to connect, I’ve often unmatched with them, and moved on to find someone else. If it is too much effort now, it could be too much effort forever, and what good is that!

There is some silver lining though. I have made a couple of very good friends over the App. Things did not work with them in a romantic way, but I’ve come to depend on them so much that it feels as if we’ve been friends all along. And it is such people who make me feel that even though my purpose of signing up on that App is left unfulfilled, it was all worth the effort. But what becomes of my purpose? Only time will tell.